(Villain) Countdown to Civil War

Ah, the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Let us bask for a moment in its bloated, improbable existence. Mmmm. There. All done basking, are we? Then let’s begin! With Captain America: Civil War now out, I thought it might be fun to do a quick rundown of all the bad guys who have menaced Iron Man and his buddies since 2008. After all, nobody has ever accused the MCU of having good villains.

Dr. Strangelove (or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Leave CreComm)

You never realize you’re in a cult until you leave it.

That might seem like an odd way to open an article about post-secondary education, but bear with me here. I’m talking, of course, about Red River College’s prestigious Creative Communications program (CreComm to those in the know), the thing on which I placed so many of my hopes and dreams, which led me to create this very blog, and which continues to claim significant chunks of my bank account. I made it in, yes; but four months later, I was out. Those four months felt like four years, both in terms of what they shaved off my life expectancy and the personal growth I experienced.

The Flash

So recently I started watching The Flash.

Yeah, I know. I’m behind the times. I always am. I didn’t get into Breaking Bad until a week before it ended. I’ve never seen a single episode of Gotham or The Walking Dead (although with the latter I’ve read most of the comics) and I didn’t make it past the first episode of Game of Thrones. I’m not a hipster or anything—just picky, I suppose. Or lazy. Maybe both.

But The Flash had me hooked after a couple of episodes. Grant Gustin is great as Barry Allen, a near-perfect mixture of cocky, smart, and learning his limits. Cisco seemed a bit clichéd in the initial episodes, but he’s evolving rapidly towards my favourite character. His nerdy habit of giving the metahumans nicknames is a great way to sneak the original comic villains’ cognomens onto an otherwise-serious show.

Which brings me to my next point. The Flash’s rogues gallery always seemed a bit weird to me. His arch-nemesis is a guy from the future who wears the inverse of the Flash’s colour scheme and calls himself the Reverse Flash. That’s like some dude in a white Batsuit telling everyone’s he’s Opposite Batman. Or if Superman had a guy who does the opposite of—

Oh, right.

In my limited understanding, I didn’t see how any of these guys (except maybe the Reverse Flash) could stand up to Barry Allen. When the guy can run to Home Depot, buy fifty feet of rope and tie your ankles to a speeding bus before you can blink, how do you fight him? But The Flash makes it work. Even with a guy named Snart.

A “snart” sounds like what happens when you sneeze so hard you fart at the same time

Now, DC isn’t planning on putting the TV version of the Flash in their DC Comics Super-Duper-Totally-Not-Just-a-Ripoff-of-Marvel’s Movie Universe. Nothing can change that. But it doesn’t have to change, as long as they maintain the tone of the TV series. Not every DC movie has to be violent and moody like Man of Steel or The Dark Knight. The Justice League are badass! But when you get right down to it, you’ve still got a guy with lightning bolts taped to his ears, a dude who talks to fish, a man who makes giant green hammers appear, and a woman with a metal bra and weaponized bondage gear. Don’t be afraid to lighten up a little. What makes the Marvel Cinematic Universe so great is that every movie can have a different tone. Captain America: The First Avenger is an alt-history war movie. The Winter Soldier is an espionage thriller. Guardians of the Galaxy is a space opera. The first Iron Man is an industrial thriller. Thor is, as my friend so recently put it, “Shakespeare with superheroes.”

Man of Steel didn’t work because they made Superman act like Bruce Banner and put him in a remake of Batman Begins; it worked because it tried to stay away from things the Superman movies hadn’t before. It showed us a hero who could be even more iconic. Who could struggle with his alien roots. Who could achieve the impossible but remain grounded.

Hopefully Batman v. Superman and all the other DC movies being made won’t try to be carbon copies of Man of Steel or The Dark Knight Rises. That would be the worst thing producers could do to a diverse lineup of awesome characters. Instead, let each film find its own tone and its own footing. Just because I’m a Marvel movie guy doesn’t mean I don’t want the DCCU to succeed. That would mean I get twice as many superhero flicks to enjoy.

So maybe Grant Gustin doesn’t get to join the Justice League. But hopefully Zack Snyder and the rest appreciate that a hero doesn’t have to scowl all the time. That’s Wolverine’s job.

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Samuel’s top five favourite superhero films are, in no particular order: The Avengers, The Dark Knight, X2: X-Men United, Guardians of the Galaxy, and Batman Returns.

The Age of Heroes

No doubt about it, we live in the time of superheroes. Since 2001, not a single year has gone by without the release of at least two big-budget superhero flicks. The Raimi Spider-Man trilogy, the X-Men franchise, the ridiculously successful Marvel Cinematic Universe… that last one made five billion dollars over the previous three years alone. The message nowadays is go big or go home, and (as you can see in my superhero movie timeline) the big players have announced dozens of releases for the rest of the decade. Me being a giant nerd, I decided to assemble a panel of experts other nerds and get their thoughts on these upcoming movies. What do they expect will happen? What do they want to happen? And so on. Let’s meet the contestants!

The Trouble with Superman

I spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about Superman.

It’s funny because I never cared much for him when I was a kid. What’s the point of a guy who’s basically invincible? Unless you wave a silly green rock in his face, and then he goes all “Buhhhhhhhhhh” and becomes flaccid and useless.

Pictured: uselessness

I am the Google and the Google is Me

So whilst trawling for five-year-old (wouldn’t it be great if this sentence ended right here?) posts on my girlfriend’s Facebook page, I discovered this gem:

“Instructions: Google your name with each of the following verbs and click search. Use the first logical sentence you find as your answer. Have fun!”

Well, anyone who’s been reading this blog knows no idea is too stupid for a post from yours truly. So before you close this browser tab and go back to marathoning yet another TV show you’re getting into years after everyone else (I’m not insulting you, dear reader; that’s an actual note to myself to finish this post), strap in and let’s read some Google search results.